Thursday, May 1, 2014

Stealers of the Pee

I should probably feel all special inside and almost celebrity-like considering in the last two days more people have wanted my pee than in my entire life time. 

What gets you to that kind of celebrity status? 

Having a random drug test and scheduling a doctor's appointment labs back to back. Well you can't really schedule a random drug test, but having enough luck for it to be scheduled one night and the next morning have your 12 hour fasting labs. That's the kind of luck I have, not winning a lottery or having a 50/50 chance at something having to sit uncomfortably in a small cramped bathroom with my pants around my ankles peeing into a small cylinder. Why don't they make pee cups larger? That way the odds of me missing and it going all over my hands and walking....well waddling to the sink with my pants around my ankles trying not to get the drips of pee that I just peed on my hand on any article of clothing that I own...won't happen, hopefully, as frequently. I'm not sure about you, but I've not quite mastered the peeing without peeing all over yourself bit. Maybe I'm just not in a field where peeing in a cup is second nature and I can do it with my eyes I haven't mastered that skill. Better add THAT one to the bucket list.

  • Have epic end of the world battle with long sticks of venison (as I'm fighting and I get hungry I can always take a bite or six)
  • Learn to pee into a cup successfully without spilling all over my hands/clothes/floor/toilet/the wall (bad day honestly)

You know...priorities here...epic end of the world battle first. If the end of the world comes, then I won't ever have to pee in a cup again until civilization is rebuilt up again. Then large pee cups will be invented by me and all will adore me like I'm awesome. 

I hope for my sake and probably yours, that I don't see one of these for a least 3-6 months for my next scheduled doctor visit...otherwise I sense another pee filled rant coming here. 

You've been warned.