Tuesday, July 23, 2013

The age old question will never be answered.....

This is why I would never survive out in the country story.

I was out driving last night looking at houses in the back woods of rural Wisconsin and a woodchuck decided to merrily wander in the street. It made it to the middle of the road then took a suicidal leap at my car and was crushed. I'm pretty sure there is still bits and pieces of him lodged in my wheel well. 

SO…we will never know how much a woodchuck could chuck because the woodchuck is now dead. My car is now no longer the PPE anymore it’s the PAPE…Purple Animal People Eater. I didn't know my car could be so brutal or woodchucks could be suicidal.

I think I was laughing for a good hour before the "oh man I just killed an animal...wait...it killed it's self and I just had a helpful part in it" sunk in. Then I felt sad....then laughed harder because all I could think of was the Geico commercial. 

So beware of suicidal woodchucks. They are everywhere!!! 

Friday, July 19, 2013

Why doesn't the word devil come in a language that begins with "B".....

Awww...isn't that the cutest photo ever? No. You are sadly mistaken sir. That above is a picture of the devil. I'm pretty sure my dog is an asshole and definitely trying to kill me. Need proof?

That's my Husky with a black and blue eye! See the dried blood? Not to mention that it looks like a rabid pack of prairie dogs have attacked my arms, hands, feet, face and legs. I don't think I have anymore blood left in me! Maybe my puppy is a vampire?! He doesn't sparkle though so he's an old school "Lost Boys" like vampire. The REAL Vampires young-ins.  

"My own brother a God damned shit sucking vampire! You wait 'til mom finds out buddy!"

"My own PUPPY a God Damned shit sucking vampire! You wait 'til mom finds out buddy!"

More appropriate for me. Maybe I'll scream that at his little puppy face tonight when he tries to cut me with his switch blade aka his little puppy teeth.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

The soon to be the bain of my existence......

Jimmy Johns. Seriously. Now why you ask...is it because they are TOO freaky fast with their deliveries? Their food is so oh delicious that you just can't help to love them that it's causing you so much discomfort that you can't eat them all day long? Oh no it's quite the opposite. At one of my many present employers (we'll go more into my workaholic self later) whenever we have a lunch in it's ALWAYS Jimmy Johns. ALWAYS. No exception at all ever. While everyone else in my office is quite content with this set up and apparently it's been  the favorite for a LONG TIME I've decided to make a game out of it. Well mostly I'm sick of eating subs all the time and frankly...no matter how many types of subs they have...they all taste like bread. So my new goal in life is to see if before a) I *finally* get a job in my actual college degree profession b) get fired c) win the lottery (but remember kids you have to play to actually win it doesn't just happen like Publisher Clearings House) or d) get stampeded by a pack of ravaging prairie dogs I can eat every single sub on Jimmy's menu. It's like bingo without the shouting and old bengay people smell.

The Proof: 

Friend: So how was your day?

Me: Jimmy Johns

Friend: What?

Me: If you ever suggest Jimmy Johns when I ask you where do you want to eat just know that I won't be held accountable for the stabbing that will take place.

Friend: Should I comfort you or be afraid for all the Jimmy John employees?

Me: A little of both.

Friend: I'm pretty sure you will be held accountable for a stabbing but I'm not a lawyer I just play one on Saturdays.

So my progress so far on the Jimmy's menu.

#1 Pepe 
#2 Big John
#3 Totally Tuna
#4 Turkey Tom
#5 Vito
#6 Vegetarian
#7 Gourmet Smoked Ham Club
#8 Billy Club
#9 Italian Night Club
#10 Hunter's Club
#11 Country Club
#12 Beach Club
#13 Gourmet Veggie Club
#14 Bootlegger Club
#15 Club Tuna
#16 Club Lulu
#17 Ultimate Porker
#     J.J.B.L.T. (Why no number Jimmy!??!)
#     The J.J. Gargantuan

This will be updated as we have lunch-ins and probably more curse words and such will be added each time. So do you have a restaurant that you hate?  Just the name makes you want to go out find a tree and kick it?

I think my cat sums up my evil state to Jimmy John's pretty nicely.

Update: Now Jimmy John's is mocking me. How funny Jimmy....I think a badass round of table tennis with our hands tied behind our backs is GAME ON!