Thursday, May 1, 2014

Stealers of the Pee

I should probably feel all special inside and almost celebrity-like considering in the last two days more people have wanted my pee than in my entire life time. 

What gets you to that kind of celebrity status? 

Having a random drug test and scheduling a doctor's appointment labs back to back. Well you can't really schedule a random drug test, but having enough luck for it to be scheduled one night and the next morning have your 12 hour fasting labs. That's the kind of luck I have, not winning a lottery or having a 50/50 chance at something having to sit uncomfortably in a small cramped bathroom with my pants around my ankles peeing into a small cylinder. Why don't they make pee cups larger? That way the odds of me missing and it going all over my hands and walking....well waddling to the sink with my pants around my ankles trying not to get the drips of pee that I just peed on my hand on any article of clothing that I own...won't happen, hopefully, as frequently. I'm not sure about you, but I've not quite mastered the peeing without peeing all over yourself bit. Maybe I'm just not in a field where peeing in a cup is second nature and I can do it with my eyes I haven't mastered that skill. Better add THAT one to the bucket list.

  • Have epic end of the world battle with long sticks of venison (as I'm fighting and I get hungry I can always take a bite or six)
  • Learn to pee into a cup successfully without spilling all over my hands/clothes/floor/toilet/the wall (bad day honestly)

You know...priorities here...epic end of the world battle first. If the end of the world comes, then I won't ever have to pee in a cup again until civilization is rebuilt up again. Then large pee cups will be invented by me and all will adore me like I'm awesome. 

I hope for my sake and probably yours, that I don't see one of these for a least 3-6 months for my next scheduled doctor visit...otherwise I sense another pee filled rant coming here. 

You've been warned. 

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Really People....really....?

Cruising down the aisle at my local store that has a supply of both home and food items...I decided it's been a while since I've last bought a book and decided to see what is out there. With the huge hype up of all the erotica novels as of late I was hoping it has calmed down a bit and actual fiction is being published and sold now....oh boy was I wrong. 

I swear the entire "adult" fiction area was nothing BUT erotica novels. Now, don't get me wrong, I do love a good juicy story here and there but GOOD is they key word. I wasn't quick enough to take my camera...err phone...err...all in one device that some call a smart take a picture but it was filled with more erotica than actual fiction novels. I think it's a sad day in my life when I have to go to the "non-fiction" area to find a decent book (sorry non-fiction fans unless it's a cookbook and a damn good cook book I rarely ever seek you out so no angry hate mail on that subject) 

While I'm on pretty much any book-related website/blog out there, since well I'm a huge freaking nerd as you may have guessed, I've noticed a trend and let me see if you have noticed it also. All the printed books that you find in the store (minus YES a few jewels here and there - gosh no need to yell at your computer screen - I get it) are generally mass-produced pieces of well crap. However, if you take the time to cruise Amazon or Audible or any other wonderful e-book website realtor, you'll find that the GOOD books or the ones that SHOULD be published never published. So when I find an awesome book for 99 cents instead of $20 worth of a fire starter it makes me wonder if with the Twlight series we are just mass producing crap and keeping the real novels out of people's viewing so they have to hunt for deals. Or maybe it's like American Gladiator where they purposely do that to see who is the "strongest" to seek out and find the good books and who just grabs whatever the NY Times or Oprah tell you to read. 


Friday, October 4, 2013

Never thought about it huh....

So I've been told I'm much as I would love to go out and try on every cute hat out there like every other ritzy rich girl who has that kind of time and energy...I can't get past the thought of trying on a hat in the store. Don't get me wrong...I'm not like anti-hat or anything...some people got the look...I however having a round head it generally only makes it rounder and chubbier - enough that even if you are under the age of 65 you'd come up and pinch my cheeks because, well it's annoying and funny as hell at the same time. 

So I was at Menards the other day since it's the closest store to my new place....yes a hardware store before a grocery store that's high class farm-town living! They had a random assortment of these hats in the bin (see right). So of's purple and freakishly adorable I picked it up and it's got a nice soft fleece lining and it's probably perfect to wear at my corporate-like job. Nothing says professional than a children's monster hat. Being the short and cute variety, most children's thing do in fact fit my head and in point my 7 soon to be 8 year old nephew can exchange sunglasses, hats and shoes with me no problem. 

So going back to my point...I was about ready to try this baby on to make sure my head had not swelled up with any new praises or compliments as of late...but a thought popped in my head...LICE. Yeah...I dropped that sucker back in the bin and slowly stepped back like I just murdered someone and had to take that dramatic pause back to pan out for the camera so the audience can see what I just did. Every time I want to try on something at the store that's my initial thought...not exactly lice...but just the generally cleanliness of other people. While most people are germapohpics and carry around hand sanitizers and sprays and probably will Lysol your eyes out if you so much as think about coughing because your throat is dry and not because your white blood cell count is up, how often do people actually clean themselves? Thinking about the dollar bill having more residue of feces on it than toilets is rather grim some. It's made me really wish at times I wouldn't get random genius thoughts that make me see the light or rather black light. Just a dampening thought to officially screw your head up. You're welcome!!! 

This was brought upon a recent article in the local newspaper (yes, paper not the internets) about a recent lice outbreak in schools in the area. It's creepy just thinking about the unwashed future generation spreading lice. 

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

The age old question will never be answered.....

This is why I would never survive out in the country story.

I was out driving last night looking at houses in the back woods of rural Wisconsin and a woodchuck decided to merrily wander in the street. It made it to the middle of the road then took a suicidal leap at my car and was crushed. I'm pretty sure there is still bits and pieces of him lodged in my wheel well. 

SO…we will never know how much a woodchuck could chuck because the woodchuck is now dead. My car is now no longer the PPE anymore it’s the PAPE…Purple Animal People Eater. I didn't know my car could be so brutal or woodchucks could be suicidal.

I think I was laughing for a good hour before the "oh man I just killed an killed it's self and I just had a helpful part in it" sunk in. Then I felt sad....then laughed harder because all I could think of was the Geico commercial. 

So beware of suicidal woodchucks. They are everywhere!!! 

Friday, July 19, 2013

Why doesn't the word devil come in a language that begins with "B".....

Awww...isn't that the cutest photo ever? No. You are sadly mistaken sir. That above is a picture of the devil. I'm pretty sure my dog is an asshole and definitely trying to kill me. Need proof?

That's my Husky with a black and blue eye! See the dried blood? Not to mention that it looks like a rabid pack of prairie dogs have attacked my arms, hands, feet, face and legs. I don't think I have anymore blood left in me! Maybe my puppy is a vampire?! He doesn't sparkle though so he's an old school "Lost Boys" like vampire. The REAL Vampires young-ins.  

"My own brother a God damned shit sucking vampire! You wait 'til mom finds out buddy!"

"My own PUPPY a God Damned shit sucking vampire! You wait 'til mom finds out buddy!"

More appropriate for me. Maybe I'll scream that at his little puppy face tonight when he tries to cut me with his switch blade aka his little puppy teeth.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

The soon to be the bain of my existence......

Jimmy Johns. Seriously. Now why you it because they are TOO freaky fast with their deliveries? Their food is so oh delicious that you just can't help to love them that it's causing you so much discomfort that you can't eat them all day long? Oh no it's quite the opposite. At one of my many present employers (we'll go more into my workaholic self later) whenever we have a lunch in it's ALWAYS Jimmy Johns. ALWAYS. No exception at all ever. While everyone else in my office is quite content with this set up and apparently it's been  the favorite for a LONG TIME I've decided to make a game out of it. Well mostly I'm sick of eating subs all the time and matter how many types of subs they have...they all taste like bread. So my new goal in life is to see if before a) I *finally* get a job in my actual college degree profession b) get fired c) win the lottery (but remember kids you have to play to actually win it doesn't just happen like Publisher Clearings House) or d) get stampeded by a pack of ravaging prairie dogs I can eat every single sub on Jimmy's menu. It's like bingo without the shouting and old bengay people smell.

The Proof: 

Friend: So how was your day?

Me: Jimmy Johns

Friend: What?

Me: If you ever suggest Jimmy Johns when I ask you where do you want to eat just know that I won't be held accountable for the stabbing that will take place.

Friend: Should I comfort you or be afraid for all the Jimmy John employees?

Me: A little of both.

Friend: I'm pretty sure you will be held accountable for a stabbing but I'm not a lawyer I just play one on Saturdays.

So my progress so far on the Jimmy's menu.

#1 Pepe 
#2 Big John
#3 Totally Tuna
#4 Turkey Tom
#5 Vito
#6 Vegetarian
#7 Gourmet Smoked Ham Club
#8 Billy Club
#9 Italian Night Club
#10 Hunter's Club
#11 Country Club
#12 Beach Club
#13 Gourmet Veggie Club
#14 Bootlegger Club
#15 Club Tuna
#16 Club Lulu
#17 Ultimate Porker
#     J.J.B.L.T. (Why no number Jimmy!??!)
#     The J.J. Gargantuan

This will be updated as we have lunch-ins and probably more curse words and such will be added each time. So do you have a restaurant that you hate?  Just the name makes you want to go out find a tree and kick it?

I think my cat sums up my evil state to Jimmy John's pretty nicely.

Update: Now Jimmy John's is mocking me. How funny Jimmy....I think a badass round of table tennis with our hands tied behind our backs is GAME ON!